


Cuddles Are Better Than Sex

by KingHippiedude (missreader)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Asexual Character, Asexual Merlin, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Third Person, Requited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2015-08-14
Packaged: 2018-01-24 13:50:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1607423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missreader/pseuds/KingHippiedude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin is asexual, but he doesn’t know that asexuality is actually a sexual orientation that others share. He thinks there is something wrong with him, that he is broken. And he is in love with his best friend Arthur who serial dates girls. Cue angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Merlin

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own these characters; I'm just borrowing them.

Merlin wasn’t sure when it had happened, but one day he realized that he was in love with his roommate and best friend, Arthur. Once he might have greeted this realization with joy, but he was no longer a naïve child; he knew firsthand the cruelty of the world. Arthur dated girls, and even if he didn’t, it wasn’t like he would want to date Merlin. Merlin was broken; he didn’t want to have sex—with anyone. No one would want to be in a relationship with someone who wouldn’t—couldn’t have sex with them. Why would they waste their time with someone so broken? Arthur certainly wouldn’t; he talked about sex all the time. And he deserved someone who could give him everything he needed. Long ago Merlin had given up on having a relationship, but that didn’t stop him from longing for someone to care for him, to cuddle on the sofa and watch Doctor Who, to hold his hand, to always be there for each other. But it wasn’t meant to be; Merlin would never have any of these things. He was meant to be alone. But at least he could be Arthur’s friend.

Merlin had known that he was broken for a long time. It had started when he was not even a teenager. All the boys around him had started talking about girls and sex, but he still had no clue what they meant. Maybe I’m just a late bloomer, he thought. But he never had some sudden sexual epiphany and eventually realized it just wasn’t going to happen. His first girlfriend dumped him when he didn’t want to have sex with her. After she practically assaulted him with a kiss and a grope and he wasn’t aroused, she called him gay. And so Merlin thought maybe she was right and he was attracted to boys instead. Upon getting his first boyfriend, he realized that she wasn’t entirely wrong. He did prefer boys, but he still had no desire for sex. Edwin had tried to make him aroused in a variety of ways, but it was just uncomfortable even when it worked. Merlin finally drew the line and called it quits when Edwin tried to force him to take Viagra. Edwin might have been gone, but his words remained with Merlin.

“I don’t know why I wasted my time with you.”

“Broken, freak, useless…”

“Come on, just let me fuck you, Merlin. Don’t I deserve to get something out of this relationship too?”

The last had been the worst. Merlin had eventually given in and it had been just as awful as he feared. But he had thought that Edwin had a point. Merlin had been clingy, and Edwin was normal—not broken like you, Merlin’s mind reminded him, nastily—and had sexual needs. It was Merlin’s job to make sure that Edwin was taken care of. Merlin was haunted by memories of Edwin’s abuse.

But Merlin was hopeful still that someone would come along who might accept him. But his later relationships were no luckier. When he told his friend Will about his problems, Will didn’t understand. He was part of the reason Merlin thought something must be wrong with him.

Merlin’s next boyfriend was a sweet boy named Gilli who respected Merlin’s lack of desire for sex, but Merlin learned that Gilli had been cheating on him and ended the relationship. Then Merlin asked out his friend Gwaine who turned him down because he needed sex and didn’t want to be another Gilli, cheating on Merlin in order to satisfy his sexual desires. At least Gwaine was up front about it, and he remained Merlin’s friend. But all of this led to Merlin coming to the conclusion that he was broken and would never be loved.

***

Merlin did everything he could to keep Arthur oblivious about his feelings. But it was hard watching him go out on dates every Friday night while Merlin sat alone in the little flat they shared. He knew that he had no right to demand Arthur’s time, but he missed him when he was gone and jealously hoarded time spent with Arthur. He envied the girlfriends who got to see a part of Arthur that Merlin could never have.

Merlin was overjoyed when Arthur stayed in one Friday night, opting to watch Doctor Who reruns and cook dinner with Merlin rather than go out on the pull with his footie mates.

It had been a great day, and Merlin could scarcely keep the smile from his face when Arthur chose to end it with him.


	2. Arthur

Arthur was sitting on the couch, opposite Merlin, with their feet tangling in the middle. A rerun of Doctor Who was playing, but Arthur wasn’t really paying attention any more. He was watching Merlin. He had noticed recently that Merlin seemed sad, but tonight he was happier than he had been in a while. Arthur was happy too; he loved spending time with Merlin.

He sat watching Merlin a moment longer then broke the silence asking, “Ready for dinner, Merlin? And before you ask: no, we are not eating fish fingers and custard.”

“Aww…” Merlin whined pitifully, “but I want fish fingers and custard.”

The whining might have been more effective if he had managed to keep a straight face. As it was, Merlin started giggling before he had even finished speaking, and Arthur joined in the laughter too.

“How about spaghetti?” Arthur suggested when their laughter had faded. He was hungry, and he knew that they had some pasta and tomato sauce in the cupboard, and probably some fresh vegetables they could throw in for good measure.

Merlin acquiesced cheerfully and raced Arthur to the kitchen. It had been a while since they had had a proper night in and cooked together.

The pair fell into a comfortable rhythm in the kitchen, playfully bumping as they shared the space with easy familiarity. Arthur realized, not for the first time, that he wanted to do this with Merlin every night. He wanted to watch Doctor Who and cook dinner together. He wanted to share this domestic bliss in every way. And he couldn’t deny that he found Merlin attractive. But Merlin never showed any sign of being attracted to Arthur. Arthur sighed, a little sadly.

“Arthur, are you okay?” Merlin asked, apparently having heard the soft sigh.

“I’m fine, Merlin. I just wish that every night could be like this,” he responded with a smile and a hip-check, bitter thoughts forgotten once again.

The spaghetti was ready to be eaten only moments later, and the two boys filled bowls and returned to the couch, ignoring the little kitchen table. Doctor Who was still on, an old Eccleston episode. Arthur knew that those were Merlin’s favorites. This particular episode also featured John Barrowman. Arthur envied the actor, not for his acting ability, but for his accepting family and public openness. Arthur couldn’t afford to let his homophobic father know that he was attracted to men as well as women. Arthur had secretly watched Torchwood and cheered for Jack and Ianto’s relationship, wishing that something like that could be a reality for him too. Theirs was one of the only gay relationships that he remembered ever seeing on TV. And he wasn’t too proud to admit that he had cried during Children of Earth.

But Arthur pushed his distractions away and returned his thoughts to Merlin. When he was done eating, he started trying to tickle Merlin with his feet, shoving his toes under Merlin’s thigh when they felt chilled. Merlin set his now empty bowl aside and grabbed Arthur’s feet. He pulled them into his lap and wrapped his hands around them, warming them up and massaging gently.

“Mmmm…” Arthur hummed with pleasure, toes curling. “I love you,” he said before he realized just what he was saying. But before Arthur had time to react to the unintentional revelation, Merlin was pulling away. Shocked at both himself and Merlin, Arthur froze.

“No, no, no,” Merlin was muttering, knees pulled up to his chest. “You can’t, you can’t…” Merlin’s speech becomes unintelligible as little sobs make his breath hitch, tears streaming down his face.

“Merlin…” Arthur said quietly, “what is wrong?”

Merlin’s only response was to hug his knees tighter to his chest and shake his head. So Arthur moved closer and wrapped his arms around Merlin, embracing him and pulling Merlin’s head to his chest. At this, Merlin uncurled himself a little and grasped Arthur’s shirt as he sobbed into his shoulder. Arthur let him cry and rubbed soothing circles on Merlin’s back. It took some time, but eventually Merlin’s crying slowed.

“Are you okay, Merlin?” Arthur asked, still holding Merlin. He felt Merlin nod in response against his chest.

A moment later Merlin responded, “You don’t want me. I can’t make you happy.”

“What do you mean? You already make me happy. I have never been happier than I am now.”

“You want things that I can’t give you. You will want sex, and I don’t. I’m broken; there is something wrong with me.”

Arthur was silent for a moment as he thought about what Merlin was saying. Then he responded quietly, “You are not wrong exactly. I do enjoy sex and find you attractive, but I have no intention of asking anything of you that you cannot give. I will gladly take whatever you will give me, and I am happy to be your friend if that is what you would prefer.”

“You will get tired of me. You will want sex eventually, and when I will not give it to you, you will find it somewhere else.”

“I cannot promise you that I will stop wanting sex, Merlin, but I promise you that I would never hurt you like that. I am sorry if someone has done that to you.”

Merlin was crying again, “I want to believe you, but I do not want to burden you with my brokenness.”

“I don’t know who told you that, but there is nothing wrong with you. Not everyone wants sex. It’s called asexuality; there’s a whole community online.”

“Asexuality?”

“You didn’t know? It means that you don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone. Asexual people make up about 1% of the population.”

“I-I’m not broken…” Merlin whispered, incredulous. The tears were back full force as Merlin grieved all the wrongs committed against him, all the people who made him feel less than deserving of their love.

Arthur cradled Merlin against him as he purged himself of his grief. “You are not broken. You are whole. You are perfect. You are Merlin, and I love you.” Arthur dropped a kiss on Merlin’s head after this final pronouncement.

Merlin’s problems didn’t magically disappear. But when Arthur introduced him to the AVEN forums, he began to accept that he was not alone and not broken. Having a community of people who all had similar experiences was a wonderful change.

Arthur tried not to force Merlin into anything he didn’t want, but they did start going on dates, holding hands, cuddling on the couch while Doctor Who was on, and generally being disgustingly cute together.


	3. Merlin

When Merlin had stopped crying, Arthur grabbed his laptop from the coffee table and booted it up. He opened the website for the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network to show to Merlin. He let Merlin take the computer to look around and create a profile.

“Arthur!” Merlin said with excitement, “Look at all this! They even ask for pronouns, and you can type whatever you want! What do I type? I don’t know what to say!”

“Here, let me help.”

“Oi, you can’t say my favourite dessert is rat stew! That’s disgusting, Arthur!” Merlin said, laughing. “No, leave it.”

They were quiet again for a few minutes, then Arthur spoke, “You should post an introduction on the forums.”

Merlin had been sitting back-to-front with Arthur, and when he was done posting, he closed the laptop and snuggled back into Arthur’s chest. He made a happy hum and whispered, “Thank you.”

Arthur tightened his arms around Merlin and kissed his head again but remained silent. The boys sat like that for a while, neither of them really wanting to move.

But eventually they needed to get up. So, Merlin shifted and said, “Umm… we should go to bed now I guess. I need the loo, and I want to be up at a reasonable hour tomorrow.”

They bid each other an awkward and fidgety good night before moving in opposite directions, Merlin to the loo and Arthur to his bedroom. Merlin tried to calm himself again and took his time with his nighttime routine, only to open the door and run straight into Arthur and get awkward and fidgety all over again.

A part of Merlin (a larger part than perhaps he wanted to admit) wanted to share a bed with Arthur. Just to sleep, but he was nervous about the implications of such an intimate act. He didn’t want to ask in case Arthur thought maybe he had changed his mind or something. Because, no matter what, Merlin wasn’t going to change his mind about sex.

Merlin was happier than he could ever remember being because Arthur had said that he loved him. Arthur loved him. But his mind was still racing. He couldn’t quite believe it, and even if he did, he still wanted more. He could never get enough of Arthur. And eventually Merlin drifted off to sleep still thinking of Arthur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, therealemrys is an actual profile on AVEN, created by yours truly so that I could walk through the creation process like Merlin would. Only after I created it did I realize that 1) I could have achieved the same result by pressing the 'edit profile' button on my own already existing account and 2) I can't delete it. So, Merlin now has an AVEN profile.


	4. Arthur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this update took SOOO long and is so short. I never intended to abandon this work, but I kept starting new things and getting distracted by real life and kind of lost track of it. And I've hopefully grown as a writer since I started this story a few years ago, and the writing makes me cringe a bit, but I want to finish it before I even think about doing any major editing.

It had been a few weeks since Arthur and Merlin’s relationship had changed, but so far very little about their day to day lives had actually changed. Arthur didn’t flirt with girls anymore, and they spent more time together, but nothing about their physical relationship was any different than it had been previously. And Arthur realized that they both wanted more.

One night, they were bidding one another an exceedingly awkward ‘goodnight’ when Arthur said, “come to bed with me,” out of the blue. “Just to sleep, I promise.”

Merlin nodded silently and followed Arthur into his small bedroom. He hesitated just inside the door, but when Arthur climbed in on one side of the bed and patted the other, Merlin joined him. They lay awkwardly without touching for a minute before Arthur rolled over and shifted so that he was curled against Merlin’s body. Once contact was made, Merlin relaxed into Arthur, tension melting away.

When Arthur woke in the morning, he felt warm and comfortable, spooned around the body next to him in the bed. Still half asleep, he curled closer and ground his morning wood into his bedmate’s warmth. He was in that warm, float-y place, neither awake nor asleep, until Merlin pulled away in his sleep, clearly uncomfortable. Arthur was fully awake immediately, and his arousal faded as he realized what he had just been doing.

_I promised Merlin I wouldn’t force him to have sex. Clearly I can’t control myself. What if I hadn’t stopped? Merlin is going to leave. What if he doesn’t and one day I don’t stop? I can’t trust myself to sleep with him anymore._ Arthur’s thoughts ran circles around his mind while Merlin still slept apparently peacefully next to him.

Arthur climbed out of bed, careful not to wake Merlin, and got himself ready for the day.


End file.
